4 years

Today will mark 4 years since we lost Colin, our second son. On that day and the days that followed, I would have told you that it would be impossible for me to ever laugh or be happy again. At the time, I wanted to curl up into a little ball as small and as tight as possible to try to contain the overwhelming pain I felt. It seemed some days that I might actually die from grief - it was so big and awful and it would - not - go - away. When your 2 year old sits in the back of the car and sings, "Mommy and Daddy are sad. Sad, sad, sad. Mommy and Daddy are sad" - you know that things are pretty bad.

As I reflect on that day, I am pleased to say that I HAVE laughed since then and I AM happy. It took a long, long time and the patience and love of many people to get here. And, now that I'm here I think that I finally know what it means to be strong. You aren't strong because you say you are strong or because you dance to "I will survive" with a bunch of women at a wedding. You aren't strong just because Gloria Steinem says you are. Strength is forged - like steel.
I often wished in the months and years following Colin's death that my Grammy, suffering from Alzheimer's, could still recognize me and talk me through our loss. She lost a young son to cancer many years ago and yet she was one of the kindest, most loving and I would even say happiest people I have ever known. But, I think she also knew what I have come to discover - after a great loss you come to appreciate the things you still have even more than ever before. After Colin died, she was my "north star" if you will. I always said that I never wanted to be angry for the rest of my life - although I sure was angry for quite some time. I wanted to be like her - loving, kind and the sort of person where you are shocked and surprised when you find out about her loss and then amazed at how she has persevered in spite of it.

But, I wouldn't be writing this to you today without the grace and love of many people - and I need to call out a few of them.

• friends - my new friends here - there are many of them, but especially Jessica, Sharon and Mary Allison - hadn't known me for very long at all as we had only moved here about a year before Colin died. In spite of this, they all made time to provide hours (years?) of listening ears, hugs, encouragement, friendship and support, as well as a wonderful memorial service for Colin. And, all of our friends from far away who called or emailed to check on us and let us know they were thinking of us - not just right after it happened, but on anniversary dates too.
• my family - I know that it was torture for my parents to watch from a long distance what we were going through. They spent hours on the phone listening to me cry and rant and talk. They provided a refuge for me whenever I ran home to escape bad memories. They have been incredibly supportive all the way along the journey. My step-mom became one of my best friends - she listened and talked for hours. She connected me with her friend who had suffered a similar loss and she "got it" which is amazingly difficult for many people to do. Without her, I would have been lost. My little sister, who probably didn't even know what to do with me, but kept calling and hugging me (when we were together) anyway. And, my parents-in-law, who kept M safe, happy and secure the night we lost Colin and the days following and again during my hospitalization. They kept his life as uniterrupted as possible during those traumatic days and for that I'm immensely grateful.
• Cara - originally B's friend, who I stole, Cara is amazing! I can't even explain everything that Cara did, but she is pretty much my personal cheerleader. From "your eyes don't look dead anymore" (which was a compliment) to "this is an amazingly hard thing and you can take as long as you like to get over it, no matter what other people think", she is simply an amazing friend and a great person.
• my husband - I'm pretty sure that less hardy men would have cut and run at some point over the past 4 years. Let's admit it, I was an emotional wreck for a good part of the first 2 at least and a shell of my former self for a long time after that. He cried with me, he let me yell at him when I was so angry that I just needed to lash out at the nearest option, he moved houses because I said I needed to move, he fought for "us" and he has more than lived up to every single word he said when we took our vows. I'm lucky to have him - incredibly lucky.

Finally, I need to say something more about Colin. Although the time we had with him was brief - just a few short hours of holding him before they took him away - the legacy he leaves behind is long lasting. From Colin I have learned to stop and appreciate life, instead of rushing through it. I have learned that children are a gift, not a given and you should treat them as such. I have learned that you should love the people you love as much as you can every day because you may not have them there tomorrow. And, I have learned if, God forbid, that happens it IS possible to survive.