Surgery tomorrow

Tomorrow is M's tonsillectomy (with some other possible 'ectomies' too). We are preparing by eating lots of crunchy food today like weekend cereal (read: sugar cereal), potato chips, etc. We've been very fortunate to have such good friends who are willing to lend M bunches of great movies while he recovers. We have some really great options to look forward to during the recovery!

So far, he seems to be taking everything in stride although he said that he hopes this is his last surgery. (Me too!). We have to be at Le Bonheur bright and early at 6:45 am. But, I have to say that I think LeBonheur is one of the best hospitals ever. It is a children's hospital and I feel fortunate that we live only about 5 minutes from there. They have been absolutely FANTASTIC every time we have been there - for M's previous surgery and also a few ER trips with the asthma.

For a while there I was starting to freak out a little about the upcoming surgery, but I'm feeling better now. Just ready for it to be over and for my little guy to recover quickly. Plus, he doesn't know this but he has 2 music cards (a favorite with him) waiting for him when he gets back from the hospital. :-)

Playlist fun

Last night, B brought home his iPod from work with a special playlist for M. It is all of the songs that M especially likes, such as: (let me know if you see a Cars movie theme in some of these!)

• Life is a Highway


• Life Could Be a Dream (aka Lightening McQueen, a-shoot-a-pot-a-toody by M)


• Everybody likes to Cha-Cha-Cha


• Take Me The Way I Am (aka the Here Take My Sweater song by M)


• Don't Rock the Jukebox (aka Don't Rock the Juicebox)

We all three had a great time dancing to the new playlist. And, hurray B remembered to send the pics today so I can post them.

"I'm mad bananas"

So, Saturday morning, I awoke to the sound of M yelling from his room, "I'm mad bananas!!" I am still unclear exactly what had him in such a tizzy, but he was definitely mad bananas... When I inquired as to what made him feel this way, he put on his very best scowl (which is actually quite cute) and said "I don't know but I am mad bananas!" His mood didn't ever really improve the rest of the day. I'm sure part of this is due to the fact that it was rainy, cold and gross ALL day. However, even a 2 hour afternoon nap didn't really seem to resolve the grumpiness issue.

I am happy to report that he woke up much happier today. In fact, I got him to go back to his room and read his new (from eBay) Sweet Pickles books to himself for about 30 mins after he got up this morning. And, he is currently enjoying learning about stud finders with Granddad and Daddy. He has been running all over the house identifying studs "Dad - you're a stud!" "Granddad, you're a stud!" etc. We have even come up with a new superhero around here - Studman. Should you need assistance finding studs at your house, let me know and I'll teach you the special Studman signal :-)

M's Birthday

I didn't post any of the exciting adventures from M's birthday yet! We had a Buzz Lightyear party with a treasure hunt and a pinata - and 5 friends. Can I just say that pull string pinatas may be one of the best inventions of recent memory? Particularly when you have a party of 5 year olds!! He got to have his first "gifts" party where I didn't write "no gifts" on the invites to his little friends. One little girl, who is a favorite of M's, gave him a Lego set. This was, of course, a huge hit. When I asked him about it later he said "Yeah, [friend] gave me Legos. (shrug) She knows what I like." It was SO funny! He was not as thrilled about the discovery that getting gifts means writing thank you notes, but we did manage to finally crank most of them out. He got good practice writing "thank you" over and over. By the end, his Ns were even facing the correct way.

The following evening B's family came over to celebrate and we had steamed clams - at M's request. I don't think most 5 year olds ask for steamed clams as their birthday dinner, but hey - what can I say? The kid has excellent taste. I was missing my dad, though, when scrubbing all those clams by myself :-)

We had a slight SNAFU when M opened the birthday cards which arrived for him (late, as usual from my family) and piled all the money up without us knowing who gave him what. He hasn't quite learned to distinguish between a $1 and a $20. By far his favorite thing was the promise from his Aunt T. to purchase a pair of roller skate sneakers for him when he turns 6. I just hope she remembers that should she choose to have children some day, turn about is fair play. I'm still enjoying sending annoyingly noisy toys to all of our friends who didn't have kids when M was a baby and sent very loud, repetitive singing toys. I just want you all to know that it makes me happy every time I send one of those back to you! (You know who you are!)

Life

Well, I have obviously fallen behind the times here lately! The big news around here is the M is now "officially" 5 and is very taken with all things that "big kids" do. He is dressing himself and offering to do more chores. He is also somewhat resistant to let his mommy give him kisses all the time now. In fact, yesterday he told me that he has zapper cheeks which zap anyone who tries to kiss his cheeks or touch them. I'm now having to resort to sneaking kisses in when he is sleeping or extorting them in return for help with Legos.

Ah, Legos. This is a new found passion in our home and M is a lego maniac. (Maybe we should have named him Zack - ha, ha!) He LOVES his legos and is really very good at building all kinds of creative stuff with them - lots of vehicles and flying machines, but also some cool buildings. He has taken, though, to doing this toneless and loud humming when building his creations which is driving his dad CRAZY. (I can use my mom powers to usually just ignore it.) Back to the Legos - I'm thrilled that he likes them so much and have been encouraging it. Today he built a "ride" that had a very complicated explanation to go along with it (like at an amusement park) and when I told him that there are engineers whose actual job it is to create and build rides like that his eyes got super huge. Maybe I'll be able to convince him to not be a motorcycle policeman after all!

Regular Granddad is coming tomorrow for a visit - we are all very excited and M spent quite some time in the tub tonight scrubbing it with his brush to make sure it was clean for Granddad. He also wants to sleep with his special guest - I told him they could have a snore-off. :-)

All about me

This post is mostly about me - so if you are reading to only keep up with M, you can skip it. I won't mind :-)

I had coffee this morning with a wonderful friend who has struggled through her own issues with infertility, loss, etc. and it was so nice. It felt as if I were looking in a mirror emotionally b/c she really understands me and often expresses things that I am thinking myself. There have been babies galore around here lately and while I'm happy for those people, it is still a painful event for me each and every time, especially when it is a boy. I confessed to her that I no longer purchase baby gifts or if I do they are dreadfully late because I have to psych myself up to even be able to look at, much less, buy one. She confessed the same thing. Maybe someone should start a service where women like us can just pay for someone else to pick out and send a baby gift without our having to look at, think about or in anyway be involved in the cute baby item process.

I love getting together with this friend. It keeps me sane, although she may not know it. And the thing is, that while we were talking I realized that I'm really okay with the decision to not keep trying for another baby. But what I'm not okay with and may never be is the fact that my baby boy died. I came to the realization that I could have 10 more kids and it still wouldn't replace the hole left when Colin died. Now that I know where my anger, grief and pain are coming from (Colin's death and not my infertility or family size) maybe I'll be able to continue moving past that. I often think of my grandparents and the fact that they lost a son when he was just a young child. Yet, my grandmother, in particular, never seemed sad or angry or any of the things that I feel regularly. Of course, it was almost 20 years later that I even came along. Life will never be the same as it was before Colin died, but I do very much hope that I can find new ways of being a mostly happy person again and that someday my grandchildren will be just a shocked to find out about Colin as I was to find out about my uncle. And that they will think, "Wow! I hope that if I ever go through something like that, I can turn out just as great as my grandmother did." I'm working towards that.

Love

Lately M has been exceptionally affectionate with both of us. The other night at bedtime, he went up to B and said "Dad, I really, really, really, really, really love you!" and gave him a huge hug. He usually spontaneously hugs and kisses me at least once a day and tells me that he loves me and has taken to putting both hands behind his back with the backs of his hands touching and saying "I love you [or Dad] THHHIIISSS much."

It pleases me that he is such an affectionate child. I hope that this is something he carries forward into the rest of his life. It is important to show and tell the people that you love how much you love them on a regular basis. And, it is something that many of us don't do often enough. I know that B and I say I love you every night before we go to sleep, but not always with the spontaneity and fervor that M brings to the statement. And, so I find myself smiling at M's declarations of affection because I feel that he must feel very loved by us and safe and secure in this house to be able to show such love back to us. And, I try to emulate him and tell both B and M more often that I love them out of the blue and say it with excitement.

When I got married to B, one of my main goals was to bring up any children I might have knowing what a loving marriage looks like. I like to think that M is now reflecting back on the world the love he sees in our home and the love that has been showered upon him by his parents and all the multitude of friends, family members and others who have loved him already in his first 5 years (and B and I before he was even born.) And, I get sad sometimes to think that there are children out there who are not surrounded by this type of love and assurance. If I could, I would adopt every single one of them into my home. In the meantime, however, I am thankful that my child is, indeed, a very lucky child!