All about me

This post is mostly about me - so if you are reading to only keep up with M, you can skip it. I won't mind :-)

I had coffee this morning with a wonderful friend who has struggled through her own issues with infertility, loss, etc. and it was so nice. It felt as if I were looking in a mirror emotionally b/c she really understands me and often expresses things that I am thinking myself. There have been babies galore around here lately and while I'm happy for those people, it is still a painful event for me each and every time, especially when it is a boy. I confessed to her that I no longer purchase baby gifts or if I do they are dreadfully late because I have to psych myself up to even be able to look at, much less, buy one. She confessed the same thing. Maybe someone should start a service where women like us can just pay for someone else to pick out and send a baby gift without our having to look at, think about or in anyway be involved in the cute baby item process.

I love getting together with this friend. It keeps me sane, although she may not know it. And the thing is, that while we were talking I realized that I'm really okay with the decision to not keep trying for another baby. But what I'm not okay with and may never be is the fact that my baby boy died. I came to the realization that I could have 10 more kids and it still wouldn't replace the hole left when Colin died. Now that I know where my anger, grief and pain are coming from (Colin's death and not my infertility or family size) maybe I'll be able to continue moving past that. I often think of my grandparents and the fact that they lost a son when he was just a young child. Yet, my grandmother, in particular, never seemed sad or angry or any of the things that I feel regularly. Of course, it was almost 20 years later that I even came along. Life will never be the same as it was before Colin died, but I do very much hope that I can find new ways of being a mostly happy person again and that someday my grandchildren will be just a shocked to find out about Colin as I was to find out about my uncle. And that they will think, "Wow! I hope that if I ever go through something like that, I can turn out just as great as my grandmother did." I'm working towards that.